Eternal Jewish Family’s Blog

Archive for September, 2009

Living To a Different Tune

Written by Rochel Weinstein on September 23, 2009 – 9:49 pm -

Sitting in a church as a young girl, Linda felt distant to the environment and rituals. The other congregants had come to express faith in their religion; she was there to please her grandmother. Young Linda grew up without much spiritual satisfaction, yet deep within was an inherent belief in the existence of G-d. Linda never imagined that one day it would manifest itself within every corner of her life.

It all started with her Jewish fiancé, David. Based on similar interests in classical music, a mutual friend introduced them and the professional orchestra players formed an immediate bond. Religious barriers were non-existent: Linda considered herself on a spiritual quest that had nothing to do with her religion of origin; David’s intrinsic disinterest in Judaism meant that they would date for months before Linda would casually discover that he was Jewish. While this detail shocked Linda, it simultaneously planted within her the desire to learn all she could about the mysterious religion of her future husband.

A visit to the library was the first step. But the only information available lacked the meaningful spiritual dimension she desperately sought. Intrigued by the family dynamics of Jewish intermarriage, Linda was startled to discover that many children raised with two religions eventually keep neither, since the choice of a religion is often equated with the choice of a parent. Based on her research, there was no question that she would want to raise their children with one consistent religion – Judaism. Now all she had to do was convince not only her future husband but also her Lutheran family that this was, indeed, the right thing to do.

At first, David was ambivalent about Linda’s decision; agreeing to it would guarantee alienation from his vehemently anti-orthodox family. Her own family was devastated that she wanted to leave their religion altogether. But Linda was determined.

So she contacted a rabbi to map out the process of Jewish conversion. He inquired whether clergy from another religion would be involved in their wedding ceremony. Without any exposure to the true nature of Jewish conversion and all the halachic requirements that must be met, Linda intuitively knew that something was amiss. By the time it was over, she was amazed at how much of an emotional investment was required to make it all a meaningful endeavor.

Moving Through the Rhythms of Life

Linda and David eventually married, joining together not only a fantastic classical CD collection, but also the similar goal of building a Jewish home. David’s commitment was just budding, so Linda was eager for them to become involved with the reform congregation that had facilitated her conversion to Judaism. Guitars and female cantors, however, left the new couple uninspired. Instead, she felt drawn to learn more about the people walking home from shul in the orthodox part of town. But how?

When the first of her two children was born, Providence led Linda to a “Mommy and Me” playgroup at the local JCC. There she met a diverse population of Jewish mothers, including those from the orthodox community who invited her and David to discover the beauty of Shabbos and the true meaning of hachnasas orchim.

The couple eventually purchased a house within the eruv, making it easier for them to walk to shul and visit their friends on Shabbos. As Linda immersed herself in the Torah way of life, she came to a realization that rocked her world: The procedures of the conversion had not been enough to make her, or her young toddler, Jewish.

Linda had not come this far to give up on her spiritual quest - it had always been an uphill battle. In her youth, she faced the emotional challenge of her parent’s tumultuous divorce. And when, as an adult, she was in the midst of constructing a meaningful Jewish life, relatives and in-laws disowned the couple. (Although suffering emotionally from their parents’ disapproval, Linda says that the most difficult thing about her conversion to Judaism was seeking out new “family” to sort of “replace” those family members who rejected their desire to live a Torah life.) David was challenged with relating to his family as his wife attempted to pull them into new spiritual realms. At times, the pressure of standing up to their parents was too much – something the couple couldn’t endure.

Interestingly, David’s own family was a major player in Linda’s steadfast motivation. In the early 1900s, his great grandfather had left Lithuania to serve as the rabbi of a Midwestern town. Although the local school board resisted his efforts, he went on to establish a Talmud Torah. Still, the environment was not conducive to the spiritual survival of his family: out of his nine children, no descendants remained connected to authentic Torah Judaism – except Linda and David.

While Linda’s learning flourished, David’s spiritual growth was still being affected by his disappointed family. It was getting more difficult to stand up to them, but Linda tried to be patient, wanting David to take on lifestyle changes for himself alone.

Linda’s best efforts were not enough to make her Jewish, but she had not come this far to give up on making it happen. This time, Linda wanted a curriculum that ensured the certainty of a completely acceptable conversion in all spectrums of Judaism. She approached the shul’s assistant rabbi and bonded with his wife, who eventually served as her teacher and mentor. The shul’s chazzan and his wife also warmly welcomed the family.

How to Orchestrate a Kosher Jewish Conversion

The regional bais din was contacted and Linda proved to them her sincere desire to become a Jew. Ten years after the reform conversion, she underwent her second and final conversion – Linda became Leah. The road had been long, but now she had what she had always dreamed of: unquestionable Jewish status within any community. Leah could not wait until her children had the same precious gift.

But there was another bend in the road: the bais din determined that the children could not be converted since David’s commitment was lacking. Soon after, the bais din dismantled altogether, leaving Leah to search for help elsewhere. With renewed determination, she set out to accomplish yet another goal in her family’s spiritual existence.

A friend of Leah’s, who also had to search for a different solution in order to complete her own conversion to Judaism, directed Leah to Eternal Jewish Family International, an organization which assists intermarried couples who are sincerely dedicated to building Jewish homes. Leah sought the approval from her rabbi who had no doubt that EJF could accomplish what she could not do on her own.

That such a support system existed was a dream come true. The couple contacted Rabbi Dovid Jacobs, EJF’s executive director, whose understanding and foresight was pivotal in guiding the family. He arranged a meeting with various rabbanim from Daas Mishpat, a bais din in Monsey, New York, in order to determine the specific halachic standards that would have to be met.

EJF confirmed that David’s personal dedication to mitzvah observance needed to be strengthened. Leah knew that there was little she could do to influence her husband. She had always been advised to guide him without pressure. But now she utilized the one thing in her power that could directly invoke change: She prayed.

To Leah’s surprise, David’s commitment began to grow. Soon he rearranged his work schedule to accommodate his commitment to keep Shabbos as a sacred day and opened himself to learn more about his precious heritage.

Reaching For Spiritual Harmony

When David’s company informed him of a position on the East Coast, Rabbi Jacobs advised the couple to take it. He informed them that there was an orthodox community nearby, and living there would facilitate the process of their children’s conversions to Judaism. The couple saw this opportunity as a direct sign that Hashem was clearing the way to their goal.

David took the position and left alone to set up their new life. Leah stayed behind with the kids to pack up the house. This separation would be a blessing in disguise: on his own, without his wife’s influence or his parents around to sabotage his growth, David was finally able to nurture his own spiritual commitment. With the help of a kiruv rabbi, he immersed himself in adult Jewish studies, carving time from his schedule to learn each day.

From the beginning, EJF remained in constant contact with David’s rabbi, monitoring his learning schedule in order to verify his motivation and commitment. It provided standard halachic guidelines in learning and the resources needed to accomplish them.

When the family was finally united, they continued their spiritual growth, which was nurtured and closely monitored through EJF. At the local orthodox day school, the children blossomed. EJF was crucial in the family’s integration into their Jewish community. Leah and David claim that, if they hadn’t had EJF to navigate the process, it may have been months or even years before they would have accomplished their goal. Personally, Leah had waited long enough.

Finally, in March of 2009, the children’s Jewish conversion was complete. It was especially meaningful that another 28 years would not have to go by for them to fulfill the mitzvah of birchas hachama as a family.

At the ceremony, Leah and David accepted upon themselves the awesome responsibility of raising their children as Torah Jews and proud members of klal yisroel. They were told to make Judaism enjoyable in their home and to remember that any spiritual investment into their children will be passed on to their descendants.

An older version of Linda sits among the congregation. Attending shul is just one of the many areas in her life where she expresses her commitment to her religion. Her young son and daughter sit beside her, following along as she points out the spiritual beauty of their prayer. Most of all, she wants them to connect the words with the understanding that G-d is waiting to hear their requests and that, with His help, the impossible can become a joyous reality.

Tags: convert to judasim, EJF, Eternal Jewish Family, Jewish conversion
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